


He didn't know

by Maedelmae



Category: The End Of The Fucking World (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Introspection, Season 1 Episode 2, alyssa is sad, alyssa is sad for james, james is sad, martin the molester, molestation is briefly described, people always focus on the last episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 21:49:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17733296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maedelmae/pseuds/Maedelmae
Summary: Alyssa found them like that in the bathroom.“So why did you?” Why did he let that old man touch him like that? He didn’t answer. She turned her head to get a better look at him. “Did something bad happen to you when you were small?” He didn’t answer for a long time. His head was turned towards Alyssa, but he wasn’t looking at her when he responded after a few seconds of silence.“No.” He was lying. Something did happen to him when he was small, maybe that’s what happened to his hand.--Alternatively, James and Alyssa's thoughts during and after the bathroom scene in the second episode.





	He didn't know

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I'm currently rewatching the show for like the fiftieth time and my heart broke when I watched this scene. James is just so sad. I will probably add a sequel to this fic centered around the events of episodes four and five when Alyssa leaves. 
> 
> .  
> .
> 
> This is just a short little one-shot, nothing special. I'm working on like three different fics right now, one in the Harry Potter fandom, one in The Hobbit fandom and one that is a crossover of the two. They aren't finished or posted, but yeah that's what's going on with me right now. Anyway, enjoy this pile of angst that I wrote.

James did not know what he was doing. He was sat down on the hotel bed, listening to Alyssa cry in the bathroom. He had his knife out before, had figured now was the best time to kill her, when she came out of the bathroom, but something had stayed his knife. He heard her crying. He didn’t know why this in particular had made him stop, it didn’t change anything. Or maybe it did. He didn’t know. 

He also didn’t know why she was crying. Maybe she missed home. Maybe she didn’t want to be there with him. He didn’t understand why that thought made something in his chest hurt, but it did. He was used to the weird pain in his chest. He felt it when his mom rolled into the pond, he felt it when his father stopped paying attention to anything he did and threw himself into meaningless things, he felt it when the man grabbed his hand in the toilet not two hours ago, and he felt it now. He didn’t know why he felt the pain, or why, or what was wrong. He didn’t know. 

That was the answer to a lot of things he did. He didn’t know. He didn’t know. He didn’t know. He wanted to know. He wanted to know why his mom killed herself, he wanted to know why bad men touched him, he wanted to know why Alyssa liked him in the first place. He sighed and laid back down on the bed. He didn’t know. And he would just have to deal with it like he had his whole life. 

.oOo.

Alyssa felt her heart stop when she went into the bathroom to find James’ hand on the other man’s dick.   
“What’s going on?” she had asked, was James gay and just having one on her? James looked panicked at the question and hurried to zip himself up, the man zipped himself up and tried to leave.   
“Are you gay?” It was okay if he was, but she didn’t want to be the one that proved to him he really was gay. James looked so small when he said no.   
“It’s okay if you are.”  
“I’m not.”   
“But you should tell me if you are.”  
“I’m not gay.”  
“So what are you doing?” 

She didn’t know what was worse, James lying about not being gay, or him being molested. The man tried to slip past her, happy to be on his way after touching a teenage boy.   
“Where do you think you are going?”  
“Well, I… gotta go.” He said something about a dog, but Alyssa wasn’t paying attention. This man was a child molester. Disgusting. She wanted to cry and scream and yell. A small part of her was mildly relieved that the man went after James and not her. Double disgusting. 

“Gimme your wallet.” They needed money, and this stupid mother fucker deserved to be robbed. He wouldn’t talk either, or else he would be in trouble for molesting someone. He tried to protest, but Alyssa was not about to let this go.   
“Give. Me. Your. Wallet.” More protests.   
“Give me your wallet or I swear to fuck I’ll go visit Liz and Abi and your weird potato baby, and tell them what you like to do to teenage boys in the toilet.”   
“You wouldn’t do that.” The family was most likely fake.   
“I’ll tell the police too.” That got a rise out of him, He handed over the wallet and left, happy to get out of there before his actions caught up with him. She looked over at James. He was standing there, emotionless, staring at the wall. She felt like crying again. 

They sat there together on the bench outside the diner, she grabbed the thick wad of cash and tossed the wallet aside. They would be caught using his credit cards. She was smarter than that. Don’t leave a trail her father had said. God she missed him.   
“He put my hand there,” James said. Her chest felt tight at the affirmation. Did he not know that you can leave a situation if you aren’t feeling comfortable?  
“You know that if people wanna do stuff to you, you don’t have to let them.” She glanced at him from the corner of her eye, he looked sad.   
“Yeah.” His voice was tight and slightly wavered over the one word answer. She didn’t think he really understood.  
“Do you?”  
“Yeah.”  
“So why did you?” Why did he let that old man touch him like that? He didn’t answer. She turned her head to get a better look at him. “Did something bad happen to you when you were small?” He didn’t answer for a long time. His head was turned towards Alyssa, but he wasn’t looking at her when he responded after a few seconds of silence.   
“No.” He was lying. Something did happen to him when he was small, maybe that’s what happened to his hand. The same disfigured hand the man used to pleasure himself not fifteen minutes ago. Alyssa felt like crying again. James was sad, and that made her chest tight again. It was the same feeling she got when she looked at her mom and Tony and the twins.   
“I’m tired.” She got up. 

.oOo.

When they finally got to the hotel room, Alyssa threw herself down on the bed. James sat down awkwardly, still wearing the sweater the molester gave him.   
“Do you wanna watch TV?”  
“Okay.” Alyssa thought that James doesn’t know what he really wants.   
“Find some porn.” Maybe the moaning would cover up her crying, because she could feel the tightness at the back of her throat and the burning at the back of her eyes, and knew it was going to happen sooner rather than later. James flicked through the channels until they hit some porn channel. It wasn’t very exciting. It was all vanilla shit, nothing special. The people weren’t good or bad looking. It was all very plain. 

Alyssa could feel the tears coming to her eyes. 

Her breathing picked up and she knew that James would notice her momentary weakness and got up, intending to go to the bathroom.   
“Where are you going?” He seemed shocked at the prospect she would leave him alone, she would even go as far to say that he was scared of being alone right now.   
“Toilet.” If she said anything else, he would notice she had started crying. 

Thick, ugly tears were dripping down her face. She sat down on the toilet and started sobbing. The porn was still on in the room, the soft moaning filling the space. She wondered if James was watching it. Probably not. He wouldn’t want to, especially with what just happened. The reminder just made her choke out another sob. It was all so fucking sad. She didn’t want to know James anymore, he made her feel things beyond what she was used to. She wanted to go back home. She insisted that they keep going, and James got molested because of it. She wiped her eyes with toilet paper and flushed before walking out of the bathroom. 

James was still there sitting uncomfortably on the bed, his feet laid out straight in front of him.   
“You all right?” He asked, as if he hadn’t just been assaulted. He should be the one crying not her. She needed to leave.   
“I’m going to the vending machine.”  
“Ok.”

She walked outside and to the payphone. She wanted the comfort of her mom’s voice, even if she did sometimes hate her. She dialed the number and stood there as it rang. Tony answered and she didn’t say anything. She was unprepared to deal with Tony right now. He spouted some bullshit, but Alyssa ignored him.  
“Can I speak to my mum?” She wanted to tell her about James and how fucking sad he was.   
“She doesn’t wanna speak to you.” That was a fucking lie and she knew it. She hung up. 

She sat down at the chair across the hallway and reached into her jacket pocket. She pulled out the birthday card her dad had sent her for her seventeenth birthday that year. Her dad would know what to do. She opened the card, and printed on a sticky note was an address. 

She went back to the hotel room and sat down. The porn was still playing and James was staring at the wall. She sat down next to him on the other side of the bed. James squirmed, looking at the TV and then to her and then back at the wall.   
“Can I turn it off?” He seemed scared, unsure of himself. Afraid that something bad would happen if he didn’t comply with her wishes. He could have turned it off earlier if he wished, but he didn’t; he kept it on because she told him to.   
“Yeah.” His hands scrambled around the remote and he turned the TV off. They sat in silence. 

“I can’t go home. Like, ever.” The truth crashed into her like a tidal wave. She wasn’t accepted back home, Tony had stopped her from talking to her mother. It was an abusive relationship and she could do nothing to stop it, so she left. She couldn’t go back to that toxic environment ever again. “You can.” James still had a dad who seemed like he wouldn’t hurt James, even if he was kind of a prick.   
“I don’t want to.”  
“Do you want me?” It was a selfish question, but she was feeling selfish right now.  
“What?” He sounded scared again.  
“Do you want me, or do you just wanna go along with things?”  
“I want you.”   
“I’m gonna go to my dad’s. You can come if you want.”  
“Yeah, OK.” She laid down on her side.  
“James?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Will you cuddle me?” She needed comfort and the only person there was him, so he was going to have to do. James said he wanted her, but did she really want him? They knew nothing about each other. She heard the bed creaking as James scooted closer. He placed a hand on her arm and lay there behind her, spooning. He stroked her upper arm and she felt comfortable, if not a little sad. 

.oOo.

James was cuddling Alyssa. She had asked him questions and he answered them to the best of his ability. Then she asked him to cuddle her. He said yes. He lay there, pressed against her and wondered what his dad was doing. He wondered if his mom was really watching over him like the preacher had claimed, like his father had told him. He missed his mom, even though she was distant and didn’t really show affection that often. He supposed he loved his dad too, but it was hard to love someone who didn’t seem like they cared about you that much. He doesn’t think he could even feel love anymore. 

He closed his eyes, his mind drifting back to that scene in the bathroom at the restaurant. 

“What happened to your hand?” The man had asked, he didn’t even know his name. He got that question a lot. What happened to your hand. He stuck it in a deep fryer. Dad had taken him to the hospital, but didn’t talk about it. That was his way of coping with things. The man had stepped closer to James, looking down at his penis. He felt uncomfortable, he didn’t want the man to be close to him, he didn’t want to be in that situation. 

The man had grabbed his disfigured hand and brought it up to his face, smelling it before placing it on his own penis. Sometimes he just… lets things happen; even though he didn’t want them to happen. He isn’t sure why. Alyssa had busted into the bathroom at that moment and saved him. 

It hadn’t been the first time someone had touched him inappropriately, and it probably wouldn’t be the last, but he felt so grateful for Alyssa saving him. He didn’t know why. He was planning on killing her. He shouldn’t get too attached. But he felt himself growing attached to her. That’s why he said he would go with her to find her father. He didn’t want to leave her, even though he was confused about his feeling towards her, feelings he hadn’t ever felt before. He sighed, his hand still stroking Alyssa’s upper arm. He didn’t know what the future would hold, or what he would do next, or even if he would tell her the full truth. He didn’t know.


End file.
